I stood in my place, knife under the table so he wouldn't see it. I stared at him, he was looking right back at me. It was like a staring contest, but I knew both of us could see so much more than just the person who is sitting/standing in front of us. We were looking through each other, I don't know if we were searching for answers, searching for comfort, security, it all seemed needed.
After what seemed like hours, I broke the silence.
Dalal: Umm.. Mm.. Ta.. Umm no.. Hmm.. Talal.
He had looked away for a few seconds but shot right back at me.
Talal: Na3am?
Dalal: I don't want this life for you. -I tried to keep as serious, and non emotional I could be. I tried to hold it together, and not breaking into a million pieces.
Talal: What do you mean?
I took a long pause, to think about what I was going to say, and how to say it.
I could practically hear his heart beating, I didn't know how but he sensed the hurt he would be caused in the next few minutes.
Yet I continued. It's better to hurt him now and he gets over it, then to attach him more and he never forgets it.
Dalal: Talal, I don't know where I'm off to. But I'm leaving, I'll find a job, and pay for my own university fees. I'm going to start my own life now, this is it. You can't be a part of it.
Silence.
Dalal: Talal, I'm sorry but I won't drag you through this hell hole with me. You deserve better than this life, having to constantly worry about if I'm okay, having to constantly take care of me and hold me in your arms.
Silence.
Dalal: You mean more to me than everything and anyone I've ever known. You Talal, you're going to go somewhere. You're 20 years old, go out and live your life. Get married! Start a family, and forget about me. Forget about the day we met, it's all over.
I paused. I stuck the knife back into the counter, trying to hold back the thoughts of taking my own life, then walked over to the couch where he was concentrating on my words, too engrossed in his thoughts to notice me walk over to him.
I held his hand and brought him up. I looked deeply into his eyes and said "the" 3 words, "the" 8 letters, the strongest phrase there is.
"I love you".
I hugged him, thinking this would be the last time I'm in Talal's arms. So I held on, I didn't want to let go, I hugged as tightly as one as can hug, I tugged onto his shirt and took in his sent.
A few minutes passed, seeming to be hours that we were standing in the middle of the apartment. So I took control, and let go. I looked up at him and I could see he was fighting back the tears, he was trying to hold the image of a man by staying strong.
I gave him a peck on the cheek, took my mango smoothie off of the table, and made my way to the door.
Dalal: Take care Taloo *pronounced 6aloo*. Goodbye.
I walked back to my car, started my engine and headed back on the road. I still didn't know where I could go that I wouldn't be found. Not by Youssef, not by Talal, no one. I was lost, but if I were to find my way, it'd be somewhere only I could know the directions for.
I was still holding myself together, fighting off the tears. Fighting back the image of his muscular figure, his black short messy hair, his flawless teeth, everything about him was a memory now. There wasn't any going back.
I arrived to a petrol station and filled my car with gas. I then entered Burger King and bought a whopper meal, I sat down and ate it there because I couldn't eat a burger while driving. When I was done within 10 minutes, I stopped by the super market for some junk food and drinks. I put it all next to me in the car, and started my drive to Jumeirah. *Sorry if I spelled it wrong, I don't live in UAE so I'm not sure about these things*.
John Mayer was blasting through the speakers throughout the whole ride, so when I found a nice looking and comfortable hotel, I had calmed down and stopped crying, I stuffed my junk food in my bag and went down. I took a room for a week, so I can get myself together.
After I got comfortable in my room, I took a shower, then laid in bed checking my phone before I collapsed.
0 Missed Calls. 0 Messages.
It hurt a little, even though I had walked out, I had left, I would've loved it if Talal had ran after me, had come looking for me.. But I brushed it off and dozed off since it was around 9pm.
After what seemed like hours, I broke the silence.
Dalal: Umm.. Mm.. Ta.. Umm no.. Hmm.. Talal.
He had looked away for a few seconds but shot right back at me.
Talal: Na3am?
Dalal: I don't want this life for you. -I tried to keep as serious, and non emotional I could be. I tried to hold it together, and not breaking into a million pieces.
Talal: What do you mean?
I took a long pause, to think about what I was going to say, and how to say it.
I could practically hear his heart beating, I didn't know how but he sensed the hurt he would be caused in the next few minutes.
Yet I continued. It's better to hurt him now and he gets over it, then to attach him more and he never forgets it.
Dalal: Talal, I don't know where I'm off to. But I'm leaving, I'll find a job, and pay for my own university fees. I'm going to start my own life now, this is it. You can't be a part of it.
Silence.
Dalal: Talal, I'm sorry but I won't drag you through this hell hole with me. You deserve better than this life, having to constantly worry about if I'm okay, having to constantly take care of me and hold me in your arms.
Silence.
Dalal: You mean more to me than everything and anyone I've ever known. You Talal, you're going to go somewhere. You're 20 years old, go out and live your life. Get married! Start a family, and forget about me. Forget about the day we met, it's all over.
I paused. I stuck the knife back into the counter, trying to hold back the thoughts of taking my own life, then walked over to the couch where he was concentrating on my words, too engrossed in his thoughts to notice me walk over to him.
I held his hand and brought him up. I looked deeply into his eyes and said "the" 3 words, "the" 8 letters, the strongest phrase there is.
"I love you".
I hugged him, thinking this would be the last time I'm in Talal's arms. So I held on, I didn't want to let go, I hugged as tightly as one as can hug, I tugged onto his shirt and took in his sent.
A few minutes passed, seeming to be hours that we were standing in the middle of the apartment. So I took control, and let go. I looked up at him and I could see he was fighting back the tears, he was trying to hold the image of a man by staying strong.
I gave him a peck on the cheek, took my mango smoothie off of the table, and made my way to the door.
Dalal: Take care Taloo *pronounced 6aloo*. Goodbye.
I walked back to my car, started my engine and headed back on the road. I still didn't know where I could go that I wouldn't be found. Not by Youssef, not by Talal, no one. I was lost, but if I were to find my way, it'd be somewhere only I could know the directions for.
I was still holding myself together, fighting off the tears. Fighting back the image of his muscular figure, his black short messy hair, his flawless teeth, everything about him was a memory now. There wasn't any going back.
I arrived to a petrol station and filled my car with gas. I then entered Burger King and bought a whopper meal, I sat down and ate it there because I couldn't eat a burger while driving. When I was done within 10 minutes, I stopped by the super market for some junk food and drinks. I put it all next to me in the car, and started my drive to Jumeirah. *Sorry if I spelled it wrong, I don't live in UAE so I'm not sure about these things*.
John Mayer was blasting through the speakers throughout the whole ride, so when I found a nice looking and comfortable hotel, I had calmed down and stopped crying, I stuffed my junk food in my bag and went down. I took a room for a week, so I can get myself together.
After I got comfortable in my room, I took a shower, then laid in bed checking my phone before I collapsed.
0 Missed Calls. 0 Messages.
It hurt a little, even though I had walked out, I had left, I would've loved it if Talal had ran after me, had come looking for me.. But I brushed it off and dozed off since it was around 9pm.
No comments:
Post a Comment